APOCALYPSE 101:
SURVIVING THE END OF THE WORLD
We’ve heard talk of the apocalypse for years and now that December is here, it’s time to prepare. Be it falling stars, raging aliens, monstrous zombies, a worldwide tsunami or the return of the Black Plague, the outcome is the same: we’re all doomed. And since the end is inevitably here, Distraction has created the ultimate survival kit. Whether you’ll be the last man standing or the first to go, here is everything you need to know in eager anticipation of the apocalypse.
1. GATHER SUPPLIES (AND HIDE THE WEED)
Raid out Costco. Caprisun, Cap’n Crunch and their fine selection of cheese will surely keep you filled for a few days unless you hit that emergency stash of Mary Jane you’ve hidden in a scent-concealing spot (old sneakers, maybe?). Zombies are known for having some major munchies after a good toke.
2. SECURE THE ARMORY
As for your weapons, a gun, a harpoon or a steak knife from your kitchen drawers will work. Whatever you choose, make sure it’s sharp and fast. There’s nothing like chasing aliens with dull knives. Flashlights and rape whistles are highly suggested as well.
3. FIND EASY TRANSPORTATION TRANSPORTATION
Now that gas stations will probably have been blown up, it’s time to trade in that Prius for something more practical. Remind your mom to overnight your old rollerblades and that Razor you got for Christmas ‘99. Bikes, longboards and skateboards are also options. If all else fails, run.
4. LOOK BADASS
Shave your head. Yes, shave it all. You can’t have all that fluffy hair getting in your face when you’re trying to escape death. Dawn your best combat gear as well. When you get weird, you get real.
5. ASSEMBLE THE TROOPS
Although you may feel like Rambo, you can’t possibly take on a spacecraft full of evil E.T.’s solo no matter how many Reese’s Pieces you may have. Gather an assortment of people, friends, foreigners and foes. Put that roid head to good use at the front of the corollary. Hold on to that pushover friend of yours- bullying is excused during a time like this. Befriend the Texan. Someone has gotta start planting the crops, right?
6. KNOW YOUR ENEMY
Although it’s too soon to tell whether doomsday will be the product of a pandemic or a Pandora’s box of monsters, be prepared. What you’ll encounter will probably be taller than 10 feet, have eyes full of puss-filled pupils, an abyss of a mouth and veins upon ghastly skin. And if deadly diseases are creeping through the airwaves, get yourself a gasmask.
7. DON'T FORGET TO PARTY
So in the event that you survive, a celebration will definitely be in order. Have a nice bottle of champagne or even a bottle of whiskey (if you’re man enough) to celebrate this victory. Hell, you’re alive! It’s time to crank up some tunes and get your Wobble on.